But, she has a great personality...

You're smart.... you're funny, you have a nice smile, and you have a great personality!

All great things, I suppose. But, generally when a woman hears these types of compliments it just says to us that "you're just not pretty". Sure, we have ok features, we have a nice smile, or nice eyes, but overall, we're just average.

I feel like maybe I'm ok with being average, and everyone has different tastes, but maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere will think I'm beautiful, gorgeous, or even stunning. I'd love to be stunning one day, but, I'll settle for gorgeous, or beautiful.

The underlying problem, is that even if we are told that we are beautiful, stunning, pretty, gorgeous or absolutely drop dead gorgeous, we don't believe them. Nope, not one bit. We are so critical of our image, that when someone tells us that we may, in fact, be something more than how we see ourselves, we chalk it up to flattery, or flirting, and we never think twice about it. We don't, or won't, think that someone was genuinely trying to pay us a compliment, or that they did indeed think that we were gorgeous, and we go on criticizing ourselves and everything about ourselves until we just plain give up and settle for someone who thinks were average, but with a "nice personality", knowing all the while that they are gawking at every 19 year old with big tits that passes him by.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we let our own self loathing, and self image, eat away at was has always been a beautiful person, inside and out. If we could look deep within ourselves and find the one thing that makes us special or unique, and allow that part of us to shine, the confidence and the power that would come from that could inspire true happiness.

Fifteen years....

It's been fifteen years, fifteen years since I saw his innocent smile, fifteen years since he made me laugh, fifteen years since he was here to bless us with his angelic presence. I suppose he's still here though, watching us, guarding us, helping us through the trials and tribulations that life throws at us regularly. I know he's still here watching over my children, and all the other innocent children that should simply be able to live their life wide-eyed and innocently.

For, the innocence of a child is precious, they don't know that there are hell born souls walking the earth, seeking to steal their innocence. Seeking to tear apart the world that they see as open as the ocean, just waiting for them to make their mark. No, they don't see that at all. To a child, the world is their friend, the world is a place for them to be happy, run freely, and play innocently.

But sadly, these souls, born of Hell's fire, and the devil's skin walk amongst us, they walk this earth trying to empower themselves, they seek to rip the pure and innocent from this earth. They know no shame, no guilt, no sadness, no loss. They only know themselves, their wants, and desires. They desire the innocence, the purity, and the rarity of a child's happiness. They seek to steal it, their jealousy enrages them, their jealousy frightens them. They only must resort to stealing the innocence of others, if only to feel it just once, as they will never have it themselves.

Christopher epitomized the innocence of a child. He was so young, so eager, so creative, so trusting, so friendly. He was a lover of life, a lover of nature, a lover of everyone. He never wanted a face to frown, stranger or not.

Christopher's innocence was stolen by an evil creature, an evil incarnate of the devil who decided that it was his place to tear apart the lives of so many in his selfish and wreckless act. But not for the first time, no, this was atleast his second time.... for this was the second time he was caught.

In what the Chicago Sun-Times described as a "savage attack", Christopher was stabbed over 40 times, with a fishing knife. Christopher's frail, petite body.... stabbed 40 times? It's been 15 years, and I still can't fathom this. He was mutilated in way I can't even imagine, and in what I can only imagine was a jealous act of rage, his attacker attempted to rip the innocence from Christopher's soul, although this, I am sure of, he failed at.

He may have mutilated, castrated, defiled, stabbed, and destroyed the physical being of Christopher, but he could never destroy Christopher's soul. Christopher's innocent soul still lives among us, and forever will.

You'll always be my baby brother! I love you Chris.

Wonder and Regret?

I've always been one not to regret things, however, sometimes when I sit back and think about the things I have or haven't done in my life, I wonder.... and can wonder equal regret? If you wonder what things would be like if you took a different path, could that be construed as regretting something that you did or didn't do? I don't want to regret anything in life, however sometimes I feel like maybe I do not allow things to happen in my life in order to not regret, does that make sense? I don't even know.... For example, I generally do not let people to get close to me because I don't want to get hurt, however I don't want to be alone forever, so which one should I change? If I allow people to get close to me, and open myself up emotionally, then I open myself up to be hurt, again, and I really don't want that. However, when I do meet people, and want to allow them into my life, I sometimes feel bad by keeping them at a distance for my own selfish reasons, its not my desire to keep them from being in my life, but I have been hurt one to many times to allow myself to open up again.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a very open person (clearly, I'm blogging about the most random things in my life), but what I don't allow is my emotional being to be open enough to allow myself to get to truly know other people. It's something of a mental block, I suppose. I suppose I think of it in this way... If I don't allow myself to truly get to know them, then they won't be able to make an impact on my life, and consequently they won't be able to hurt me. I'm sure this is an ass backwards way of thinking, but it seems to work for me so far... well, not so much if you have been following my writing for any amount of time.

Well, I guess one day I will just have to live with the fact that I may indeed have regrets in my life, or that I will just not have anyone close to me. But, like most things, this is just another random rant! :)

A Great Friend!

Have you ever wondered if you were a good friend? I often think that I have good friends, while others could leave something to be desired, but atleast they try. I wonder about my friends sometime, I wonder if they think I am a good friend. I try to be, but doesn't everyone? I suppose we try the best way we know how, but every now and then we realize that we have a GREAT FRIEND. This great friend may be someone you have know your entire life, or it could be one you have known for only a couple years (or months), but in that short time they have made an impact on your life. That impact may hit you one day, like a ton of bricks, or it could sneak up on you and you won't even realize it happened.

I have one such experience, this friends impact came up on me and by the time I had realized how significant it was, it hit me like a brick to the face! My friend, we'll call her Sandy, has been in my life for a few years, and in those years she has quietly (well, not quietly, but we'll get to that) stood by my side in good and bad times, in happy and sad times, and in the best and worst of times. Sandy laughs with me, cries with me, and can just simply sit with me, with no words needing to be said, no void to fill, and no questions asked.

To give you a little history (unless you've been following my blog - and read into my analogies and subliminal messages) I recently went through a break-up, and it was pretty hard on me. First, it was unexpected, second it was for (what I believe to be) terrible reasons (stupid, stupid cheater!). I took this break-up especially hard because I had finally let myself open up to someone, which is something that is very difficult for me to do, and when I finally let my guard down, and allowed him into my whole being (heart, mind, soul)... BAM!!! A brick to the face, and we were done. Well, during the break-up Sandy was supportive, she listened to me vent, she tried to cheer me up, she reminded me that life goes on, and that I will inevitably be a better person from this experience.

After the initial shock was over, Sandy made a few innuendos to some things she noticed during my relationship. While she didn't come right out and say things (too harshly), she did let me know that she had some concerns. One thing she was concerned about was that when I was with him (and most of my other long term relationships, for that matter) I gave in too much. I never stood my ground, I never let my thoughts be known, I just simply conceded to what ever it was he was saying, or wanted me to do, or that he wanted to do. Now, if you knew me, you would know that this is ENTIRELY not me. I have a sarcastic tone to almost everything, I try to keep everything light and fun, and while being easy going, I am firm about what I believe, and what I do or don't want in my life. Well, apparently, I was not this way with him. He walked all over me, I never spoke up, and I just sat quietly while I was slowly starting to resent my own life (and him) for how I was being, and how I was being treated.

Enter Sandy.... Sandy often reminds me when I am doing something she doesn't like, she calls it like she sees it, and she doesn't (I mean DOESN'T) settle for anything less than she expects. Sandy is loud and boisterous and from an outsider's view, Sandy can leave the impression that she is a bitch, or that she is cold. But, truly, I think it is because Sandy has learned to guard herself and stay one step ahead of the game. Sandy doesn't let a lot of people close to her (similar to me), but the ones who do get the privilege, will find it worth the time, as she is also loyal, and caring, and full of spunk and ambition!

So, to my point. Sandy has taught me to stay a little firmer on my ground, stand up for what I want, think or believe, and most certainly not to settle. I catch myself regularly speaking up, standing a little taller, or more confidently, and not being concerned so much about what others will think, but content in the fact that I am just being me. And for all of that, I know that I have the best friend in the world.

Musical moods...

Well, I'm just chillin at home listening to music, and as I listen to the words of the different songs that are coming on, and its amazing to me how much the music relates to the mood I'm in, and brings out things that I didn't even realize that I felt. And, but of course, that makes me think!?!?

Am I listening to these songs because I am subconsciously feeling the emotions portrayed in the music, or is the music bringing out the emotions inside of me?

For Example... right now I am listening to some slow, bluesy, romantic type music, and it is making me want the words to the song to be true.... "the touch of your skin, just pulls me in... everytime! Baby, i'm so into you... every whisper from my soul to my heart!" - Marc Broussard; The Beauty of Who You Are. I want to be that someone!

Then, Amos Lee's - Arms of a Woman comes on, and I feel like I want to be the woman in which the song is referring to. For those who don't know the song, I strongly suggest you look it up, my favorite line is right at the beginning "I am at ease in the arms of woman, although now, most of my days are spent alone", this part of the song makes me empathize with the singer. I just want to be able to fill the void, and make someone else happy. Well, because that's what I do, I make people happy, or at least I try. I like when others around me are happy, because, this in turn makes me happy. How can one not be happy when surrounded by happiness. They say, misery loves company, isn't the same also true for happiness? I like to think so!

Conversely, when I listen to music a little angrier in nature, it brings out entirely different emotions. Or, as I referenced before, perhaps I am listening to such music because deep in my inner subconscious I am feeling angrier. I don't know. It seems like when I put my iPod on shuffle mode, I can seem to relate to every song that plays. Whether it's Metalica, (hed) P.E, Zac Brown Band, Katy Perry, or Amos Lee it seems like I can find a common point with any of them.

So, the question remains be be answered, does the music we listen to affect our emotions, or are our music choices a reflection of our emotions?

Totally random thoughts....

Did you ever think about what your life would be like as a movie? I do, often in fact. I'm not quite sure I could fit my entire life in one movie... It may need to be a boxed set, either way, I think it would be interesting. Arranging the movie would probably be the hard part. Should it go chronologically, or should it be done in according to similar events?

For Instance, Part one could be a drama, to include my brother's tragic murder, and the steps leading to the acceptance and recovery from these events... but truly, how much would people really want to watch a movie about that? I can imagine those who are gluten's for punishment, might enjoy it, but most of us don't actually think to ourselves "I'm in the mood for a cryer tonight", right? Well, I know I don't, I actually steer away from them, if at all possible. So, perhaps I could make a movie about my adventures in parenting, but that is pretty cliche, and overdone. So, I can't imagine it would be anything that would interest people. So I guess that leaves my often interesting, and sometimes hilarious relationship experiences.

I'd like to think that my history with relationships isn't abnormal, more like atypical. I'm pretty easy going, and that can be both good and bad. "Bad?" you ask, "how could being easy going be bad?". Well, I assure you it can. I am the type of girl who is 'OK' with just about anything. I don't care where we eat, I don't care what movie we go see, I don't care what we do tonight, because generally I am happy no matter what the events, as long as I'm surrounded by good company. Well, that hasn't played out for me very well, in the past. For example, he asks me, "what are our plans for tonight", I simply state, "It doesn't matter to me, what do you want to do", to which I am hung up on. OK, maybe there was a bad connection, so I call back. Nope, he definitely hung up on me, I'm not quite sure why at the time, but he later explains that it annoyed him that I wouldn't make a decision [we won't go into the fact that he didn't tell me that he wanted ME to make the plans]. I know, its stupid to me too, but it happened! So, yes, being easy going can be a bad thing. I suppose it can be a good thing too, because I'm not picky, not at all. I can enjoy myself just about anywhere, doing just about anything. In my mind, its a good thing, so I think I'll stick to it.

I've had several other funny experiences as well. Well, now that I look back on them, they are hilarious, but at the time, not so much. I was once broken up with because while having no reason to think that I would be unfaithful, they were afraid that I might succumb to the temptation, and cheat while they were out of country, so they thought it would be best to just end a good thing. Weird, I know, but it also happened. Well, he eventually came back to the states, and even while broken up, I didn't involve myself with anyone, and then he got mad at me for "letting him" break up with me. I swear to God, I don't understand men! But, they are funny!

All in all, perhaps I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I have so many guy friends that love to vent their relationship issues to me, and many of them take my advice (although, I don't necessarily recommend it), even though my advice is as objective as I can be, it may not always be the best, because I'm no expert. I once laughed at a friend who told me that he was in marriage counseling, because I thought that counseling was pointless. If you can't communicate your issues with each other, what is a "so-called expert" going to do for you? I don't have any experience, clearly, with counseling, but I feel like they aren't going to do a lot for me, if I'm not already willing to do it myself. But, I digress. As far as me being in a relationship, it's not that I don't want one, because [eventually] I do, I think. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship where people just settle on each other, because they don't think they will ever find someone right for them. I suppose I would rather be slow and methodical about it, and find out through trial and error whether someone is right for me; meaning they can handle my little quirks, my atypical personality, my easy-going attitude, my random forgetfulness and my overall silliness. Maybe someday, someone will want me just for all of those things, someday. Or, maybe, I'll just be that girl that has a lot of guy friends, and no real relationship. Only time will tell, I guess.

So, back to my movie. Perhaps, the more I think about it, my life wouldn't make a great movie, while people may laugh, cry, and could probably sympathize, there really isn't much point to the story.... Yet.

Similar to this blog, No real point, just another random rant!

Hurt...

Hurt... the worst feeling that I believe anyone can know. Not so much physical pain, but the deep rooted, heart wrenching, stomach cramping emotional pain that comes when something or someone in your life is lost.

Whether its a death in the family, a break up, an argument with a loved one, or anything else that deeply hurts the emotional being that encapsulates our soul. The feeling of hurt takes on the same emotional processes as grief in many people. Those stages (according to Wikipedia) are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As each person deals with the stages in their own way, they will ultimately deal with each stage. Sometimes, and with each different person, the stages are brief and dealt with quickly, while others may go through one or two stages quickly, and dwell in other stages for quite some time before finally reaching the final stage of acceptance. Me... I think I have mastered the stages of grief, as in I've been through them so many times that I have no question in my mind as to what stage I'm in, and how I will deal with it. I have no reason to deny that I am hurting or grieving, and I certainly don't try to rush through it. I have fully accepted the idea that it is a natural process and that I will indeed go through all the stages, in one way or another.

As for each individual time I feel grief, the time frames and extent to which I feel each stage are different. Sometimes, I am in denial for longer than anger, or depression longer than anything. This particular time, I feel like anger is going to be the prevailing stage. I feel angry, not only at the one who hurt me, but at the simple fact that I allowed myself to be hurt. I promised myself some time ago, that I wasn't going to open myself up to another person, and allow them to hurt me again. Of course, logically looking back on that, it was a stupid thing to expect of myself. In order to attempt to gain happiness with another person, one must be open, honest and accepting of that person; one must be happy with oneself, and trust that the other person will do the same for you.

But, alas, I failed in that area. I opened myself up, I gave my heart, my soul, and my mind to this person, I trusted that they were doing the same. I trusted that they were being forthright, and honest with me; I trusted that when they said they were happy, they truly were; that when they said they loved me; they truly did. Of course, the answer is obvious now, as I am the one hurting, and grieving.

So, for now, I remain in the "Anger" stage, I was in denial for a very brief time, and didn't want to accept that it truly was happening, and then I realized that it was, and it angered me. It angered me because I feel like I should have seen the signs, I feel I am a fairly intelligent person, with a reasonable amount of common sense, but I truly failed to see any of this coming; leading me to believe that they are a master of deception, or misdirection. I am angry that one would allow a relationship linger under false pretenses for so long, that they would allow me to believe they were happy when truly they were not. I am angry that I allowed myself to love someone so openly, honestly and whole-heartedly; and gave them everything I had emotionally.

So, for now, I will deal with this hurt and grief, in my crazy way. And hope that it passes smoothly and leaves me a stronger person, who learned from her mistake!

As they say, this too shall pass.

Emotionless?

Emotionless? Is it possible to be such a thing? or to at least feel that way? I mean, even if you're not feeling happy, or sad, or mad, you're feeling something, right? Even if its just complacent, or content, or melancholy, these are still emotions; so technically it wouldn't be emotionless. Perhaps my feeling of a lack of emotion, is my confusion over what I am actually feeling. I'm not talking about the moment to moment, or event to event feelings, because I do feel Happy, or Sad, or Elated, or whatever the moment calls for, as certain events or moments come and go. But as an overall feeling, from day to day or week to week... I have felt a strange "lacking" of emotion recently.

Perhaps it is my deep subconscious mental shut down that I inadvertently do when I have an overwhelming emotional break. As many who know me, or those who've read my blog for any length of time, I do not like to show a lot of emotion. A smile, or laugh is good, in fact most positive emotions, i will show.... but i am not one to jump up and down in excitement, or scream out of elation; and I certainly don't want to show pain, fear, or sadness. I suppose in my mind negative emotion it is a sign of weakness, or vulnerability, of which I am not very willing to show. I'm not quite sure why I don't want people to see my "human" side... but I don't.

I am a very guarded person, it takes a long long time for me to open up to people, to express my thoughts, desires, wants, needs and fears. So, when I do, it is a huge leap of faith on my end, and I am trusting that person with my 'everything'. At this point, it is like I have slowly removed ever brick from my emotional 'wall', and completely opened my world to them. Now, perhaps this isn't the smartest move on my part, but in my world there are not a whole lot of people I trust, so when I do trust someone, I am completely open, honest and complete with them. So, to the "not so smart" part.... if that person comes through and hurts me, like a storm on a house with no walls, it completely shatters my world; blows everything out of whack, and now it will take me days, weeks, or months to rebuild the foundation, the supporting beams, and I will likely reinstall the walls. This is sad all in its self; after all the trust, and time it took to take them down, I now feel the need to rebuild, and reinforce them, so as to prevent the storm from affecting me again.

Now, one would think, being that I am fully aware that I do this... I would try not do in the future, or find ways to fix the problem. But, I don't think its a matter of me not being able to correct the problem (if it is indeed a problem), but I think it is a matter of me not wanting to fix this. I am perfectly content with being an emotionally shut off person. I think reduce my chances of being hurt, and prevent those who aren't worthy of my trust from manipulatively gaining it.

So, for now, I will remain in my emotionless, guarded, semi-hurt, silently regretful state of mind.

Comparisons...

The beginning of a new relationship can be exciting, adventurous and all together fun. After the first few weeks, or months, or even years (depending on the relationship) people start to get to know each other more and more everyday, and while we are learning about each other, we need to understand that every person and every relationship is different. The factors involved in the relationship are different, the backgrounds of the people involved are different, and the day to day interactions are different. This is just the fact of life.

That said, one thing that can be difficult in a new relationship is when the partners compare the other to past relationships (or ex's). Whether one is intentionally doing it, or unintentionally, the action itself can be devastating. Similiar to comparing stores.... have you ever walked into a chain store that is not your 'regular' store? While, the merchandise they carry is pretty much the same, the layout, or quantity, or selection may vary slightly... and you start to think of why or how you like the other one better. Or you walk in completely expecting the 'pharmacy' to be to your right, so you walk the entire right hand length of the store, until you finally realize that it is in the back, or to the left, or maybe this one doesn't have a pharmacy at all... it can be frustrating! Its not just me that does this right?

Whether you are comparing the good or the bad of a relationship, i feel that the comparison factor in general is a bad idea. "My ex used to 'blank' for me" or "My ex would never do that" or just talking about your 'ex' to often can be a bad sign for your partner. When you start to compare your partner, they begin to think that they are not good enough, or this relationship is not good enough, or some parts of this relationship are not good enough, but some might be better... All in all, its just probably not a great idea.

Maybe, its just that one person reads into it to much, or has concerns, or fears that they don't fill the shoes the way they wish they could. Perhaps they just need reassurance that the ways they are feeling are unfounded, and that they do not need to feel that way. Perhaps if they were already getting those reassurances, they wouldn't feel "compared" in the first place?? Well, I suppose only time will tell... and the reality of it all will set in.

Another Random Rant.... complete.

Weirdo's... or is it just me?

OK... So I'm in the grocery store... just ran in to pick up a couple things... Diapers being one of them, so I head straight for the diaper aisle, and I grab them, head to the next aisle, and I'm perusing the baby tylenol/benadryl section, and then it happens...

This guy walks in front of me while I'm looking for what I need, I'm not really paying attention, and through my peripheral I see him stop just past me, back up toward me, and proceeds to start a conversation with me. "Hi, I'm Alex" he says... Um... I'm a little dumbfounded, and I probably gave him the blankest stare while I processed what was going on, and then simply replied "hi". He then stands there staring at me, looking me up and down, and then says "Wow... you're beautiful"... at this point I'm staring back at the medicine section, not really paying him any mind, which you would think, might be a hint that I'm not really interested... but NO. (Mind you, I am wearing sweats and a tank with a hoodie, and pretty much feel ridiculous, and if I didn't need diapers I wouldn't have left the house.) Then he basically repeats his last statement, and then asks me if I have a baby... Wait - What? I'm holding a box of diapers, I'm clearly looking at that BABY tylenol, and he just asked me that? OK... so I suppose its possible that I could be buying it for someone else, but probable, I think not?

At this point, I entertained him slightly, chuckled, and said "um, yeah". Also, judging by the short, blunt responses I was giving, you'd think he might take the hint... but he didn't, again! Tried asking me how old my baby was, if he/she was sick... and I finally just came out with the "do you have a man" question... UM... "Yes, yes I do!" I mean, I don't like to be mean, and I don't want to be a Bitch... but Dude - I'm not intersted!

To my point, I just don't get what entices guys to stop girls in the middle of stores (its not the first time), in front of gas stations, convenient stores, etc. and try to "pick them up"? I suppose that it was a compliment, sorta, but really a store... and it wasn't really a good attempt, and honestly, i don't get what the draw was, I was a mess! Maybe he's the kind of guy that likes a slob? LOL... or maybe he just looked past all that and saw the amazingly awesome chic that I am (kidding, of course). But honestly, Do I really look like the type of girl that will go home with you from a 7-11 parking lot, or one better, not even leave the parking lot? Do I seem so shallow as to give you a once over and say "hay baby.. you're cute, lets go!"... I really just don't get it. I guess it could be just me that's the "wierdo", maybe girls really do respond to this kind of thing, maybe I'm just more of a traditionalist. I guess it also really comes down that I don't take compliments well, I don't really like being hit-on, and I don't even think about taking someone in a grocery store seriously, unless its an employee telling me where to find the bread or peanut butter, and even then, I'm skeptical.

I don't know. Maybe I am wierd... but I'm fine with that! It's just me!

How's this for a Random Rant! Enjoy! :)

Raw and Real

Emotions are the essence of humanity, the raw truths that exist within our souls. Emotions allow us to feel the pure fire that exists within us. The denial of our true emotions creates fear within us, and this fear is what ultimately causes pain.

When our emotions are experienced so many things can happen within us, sometimes we experience something as simple as a smile, a tear, a butterfly in our stomach or a flutter in our heartbeat. Sometimes we experience something we simply can’t describe, a total overhaul of our psyche. Experiencing this proves us human, as much as we may want to deny these feelings, often, the feelings won’t let us. As vulnerable as it makes us, as open as it is, it is the ultimate, undeniable truth that exists within our souls.

What causes these feelings, what stems them, how do they start, and why are they so uncontrollable? Sometimes we have a need to control the emotions that we are feeling, whether we want to or not, sometimes it is absolutely necessary. What makes it so hard to control? When all logical and conscious thoughts inside of you are telling you that what you’re feeling is not right, but every sub-conscious part of our being is urging you to give into those feelings as if there was no other worry in the world. What then? What choice do we make? Is there a right choice? If we give into one, we are denying the other. If we give into our feelings and the logical side of us was right; we feel the pain and regret of our decision. If we attempt to think logically and bury the truest of our raw emotions deep within our soul, we may never be capable of rousing these emotions again. At what point do we decide, at what point does it become ok to believe that our feelings are true?

Well, either I’m crazy, or I’m just rambling on with this rant! I guess I can be a little random sometimes!

:)

Becoming Vulnerable...

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking... we were discussing relationships and dating among other things and alot of the things made pretty good sense to me. Im not sure if its applicable to everyone, but I know it is quite applicable to me.

In his words I'm pretty "cold, hard, and locked down", he was referencing my ability to open up to people and let myself have feelings. Well, not really let myself have feelings, more like let myself experience my feelings, and let others experience me having said feelings. Basically, I am the kind of person that keeps people at a distance, I don't exactly know why I do this, probably due to the fear of being hurt. I suppose I think that if I don't let "them" to close, and I don't let my guard down, I won't get hurt. I don't see myself as capable to jump into anything, as I put alot of thought into it, weigh the pros and cons, and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. Really, I think that is a smart way to go into anything. But I digress...

In talking about this, he brought up some good points.
a. If I don't let them close enough to hurt me, they can't get close enough to love me.
b. If they do end up hurting me, atleast I know that I am capable of having the feelings, and if it happened once, it is bound to be able to happen again.
c. If I don't open up, and allow someone in, and things end poorly, I'll always have the regret and the "what-if" thoughts; such as "what if I had let them in, maybe things wouldn't have ended this way".

All of this stemmed from a conversation about feelings... I have never been one to discuss my feelings, atleast for the last 14 years, and particularly since my divorce. To me, talking about my feelings opens doors, tears down walls, and creates vulnerability. I don't like to consider myself vulnerable, but I suppose I'm going to have to let myself be some day; atleast if I ever want to experience true and raw emotion again.

I suppose being vulnerable isn't all that bad, its more of a concern to me to be vulnerable with the right people. I obviously wouldn't be vulnerable with every Joe Blow that I meet, that would just make me look like a nutjob and/or and emotional train wreck. But allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with those whom I want to have as a permanent fixture in my life. Honestly, I don't even open up to my own family... My mom, who is one of the closest people to me, doesn't even know the depths of the emotions (or lack there of) that I feel. I'm usually pretty good at "showing" emotions such as empathy, sympathy, happiness, fear, etc. But not sure if I really feel them. Although lately, I have been questioning my emotionless existence. I have felt several emotions that I feel that I can't begin to even describe. Emotions that feel so good, that I have such a hard time hiding them, emotions that I don't think I've ever experienced before. Not that I don't like them, just that they are pretty new to me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to accept them as true... How to believe that they are real, and how to share them.

Happiness...

I sit here laying out the short and long term goals that I have for myself, as I do occasionally; and as always one of the things on my list is always "find happiness"... or something to that effect... but really, can happiness be found, or gained, or discovered? Isn't it just something that we either are or we aren't? Isn't happiness a choice?
I think so!

Am I happy? This is a question I learned to ask myself many years ago, when I was indeed NOT happy. There are very few things in life we can control, but our own happiness is one of them. Whether we choose to believe it or not, our happiness is 100% within our control. Now, to me, this doesn't mean that we are going to be happy all the time, just that we can control whether or not we are going to allow a situation to make us happy or not.

If you are in a situation in which you are not happy, change it. The short term consequences may vary and may not be exactly what you want, but if your choice is to be happy, then you need to change the situation you are currently in to allow yourself the potential to one day be happy and enjoy life. After all, we are only given one chance to live each day, shouldn't we live it the best way possible?

I think, all in all, I am pretty happy, there are situations from day to day that I deal with that aren't "ideal", but they work themselves out in the end, and inevitably I choose to be happy in the long run. In all that I do, and all decisions that I make, I question, is this going to make me happy? Why deal with even a few moments of unhappiness, life is too short, and there are so many other things that have the potential to make you happy. Now... don't misunderstand... that doesn't mean that I don't take risks, just that i analyze the situations I am placing myself in, and question the long term consequences.

I never understood how people can go through life completely unhappy, miserable even; That is until I started questioning my own happiness. How can I be happy if I'm not making myself happy. No one is going to do it for me, how can they? One has to be happy with oneself before we can be happy with anyone else. I hear it day in and day out, I just can't find someone to make me happy... it's not because there not looking, its because they aren't happy to begin with! Of course, there is likely someone out there who will WANT to make you happy, but it isn't possible unless your willing to be happy, and that is something that you have to do on your own.

I feel that often times people confuse happiness for other things. You don't have to be smiling to be happy, right? I mean, you don't have to be crying to be sad... You don't have to be screaming to be angry, these are all emotional reactions to our feelings. If you want someone else to make you "happy"... it probably isn't going to happen... Now, if you want someone to make you smile, make you laugh, make you giggle, make you excited.... and those things MAKE you happy, then you have better chances. But, you have to already be in a happy state to have those emotions or emotional reactions.

Well, i could be completely off base, or just thinking uninhibitedly, but those are my thoughts, just another one of my Random Rants... enjoy!

Just human nature!

What is it about human nature that makes us want something we can't have? Lets use a gorgeous $5000 Dulce & Gabana bag sitting in the store front window as our "coveted object". Why do we do this... Is it, as they say, the thrill of the hunt... the excitement, or adrenaline rush you get when you do something you probably shouldn't be doing? You have the credit to purchase this bag, but know that really, realistically speaking its not within our grasp. So we walk by the store front window everyday, covetting it, thinking about it, how amazing it would be if it was on your arm, how great it would make you feel! We give this object so much power over us, we seem to lose sight of what it actually is... not yours!

Thinking practically... is there any benefit to this kind of behavior? I mean, in the long run, you will most likely end up with out it? That "handbag" will still be sitting in the store window, and lets say you do purchase it, you will likely have that overwhelming guilt building up everytime you see the credit card bill (that you likely can't pay), which will cause you to either never use the bag for fear of ruining it in which case, what was the point of actually getting it, when you're original intention was to enjoy it, covett it, and flaunt it - knowing that everyone who sees it hanging on your arm will covett it as much as you! Or you'll have to take it back, which will likely cause a slight period of grief, as if we were attending the funeral of a friend of a friend. You know, your sad, but only because you only got to experience a little bit of the satisfaction, and never got the fulfillment of calling it yours.

Not having lots of experience in this field... i don't really know what happens if you obtain your coveted object, but i can imagine that either, one usually just doesn't obtain it, or, you obtain it and it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure in this aspect; we give the object so much hype, or power over us, that we really lose sight of what it actually is. and if/or when it may actually be within our grasp we don't even want it as much anymore because the hunt/chase for it is over?

OR maybe...
Perhaps it is all its cracked up to be, and we do obtain it, what next? Are we satisfied... are we going to die happy knowing that we finally have this object of our affection? Will it make us as happy as we had hoped... will we look as marvelous as we hoped with it hanging on our arm, will it be the end all... be all of what we currently are? Who knows... maybe thats whats what we truly like, is the uncertainty and vulnerability of the entire scenario?

Well, thats enough of this random rant... what do you think?

Questionable Market Research!

Ok, so today, i am a little upset...actually for the past week or so! I recently saw the new Dodge Challenger driving down the Parkway and nearly ran myself off the road at the sight and absolute awe of it! "Wow, that is one gorgeous car!" I thought to myself. With it's sexy, bulky yet sleek styling reminiscent of when MoPar was king! I immediately looked it up online, looked at the different versions, and the future concepts planned for it! Hoping that there would soon, if not already, be a convertible Challenger, I found a couple blurbs that spoke of a convertible version that was intended to be released in 2009. "Oooh, really, I am so on top of that", I just melted in my seat when I read it, I immediately started planning on getting one! I absolutely love the new Ford Mustang style that debuted in the 2005 model year. It was gorgeous, and of course, I immediately ran out to buy one! I couldn't let everyone else have all the fun! So, naturally, when I read that the new Challenger was going to release a convertible model, I started planning! Now, I have been a Mustang (or Pony) Girl since the day I could spell C..A..R.. but I was ready and willing to cheat on my beloved Mustang for this indisputable beauty.

Well, early October, it was released that they were NOT going to be releasing the convertible version... WHAT??? WTF???... How disheartening! I was so excited, and now, i am so sad... like Dodge single handedly sliced open my chest plate, slowly and methodically removed my heart, gently placed it on a table, and proceded to smash the life out of it with a rubber mallot! So Sad!

Apparently Dodge's market analysis has determined that there isn't enough demand for them, no market for a Throw-back muscle/sport car with a convertible top?! I'm sorry, but the Mustang seems to be doing ok? Am I wrong, it seems to me that everytime I am on the road I see a minimum of 5-6 Mustangs, 2-3 of which are convertibles. Frankly, the new Challenger seems to be a direct competitor with the redesigned Mustang, and if I am seeing a quarter to a third of Mustangs as convertibles, then logic would tell me that there is indeed a market for this.

But alas, you can't talk common sense into corporate big wigs, because of course they know it all, they do make millions of dollars each year of course, so they obviously think like an "average American", Duh! And becuase they wouldn't buy one, because they would rather be rolling around in their Hummers, Maseratis, or Bentleys, we can reasonable assume that the rest of the country, or world for that matter, would do the same!

Alas, Dodge, you have once again disappointed me, and apparently I am going to have to stick to my Sexy, Sleek, Fast & Furious Ford Mustang! Thanks for Nothing!!! I hope my beloved Mustang will forgive me for my lustful thoughts, I won't let it happen again!

:)
Ok... that's my rant for today, I feel much better!