Emotionless?

Emotionless? Is it possible to be such a thing? or to at least feel that way? I mean, even if you're not feeling happy, or sad, or mad, you're feeling something, right? Even if its just complacent, or content, or melancholy, these are still emotions; so technically it wouldn't be emotionless. Perhaps my feeling of a lack of emotion, is my confusion over what I am actually feeling. I'm not talking about the moment to moment, or event to event feelings, because I do feel Happy, or Sad, or Elated, or whatever the moment calls for, as certain events or moments come and go. But as an overall feeling, from day to day or week to week... I have felt a strange "lacking" of emotion recently.

Perhaps it is my deep subconscious mental shut down that I inadvertently do when I have an overwhelming emotional break. As many who know me, or those who've read my blog for any length of time, I do not like to show a lot of emotion. A smile, or laugh is good, in fact most positive emotions, i will show.... but i am not one to jump up and down in excitement, or scream out of elation; and I certainly don't want to show pain, fear, or sadness. I suppose in my mind negative emotion it is a sign of weakness, or vulnerability, of which I am not very willing to show. I'm not quite sure why I don't want people to see my "human" side... but I don't.

I am a very guarded person, it takes a long long time for me to open up to people, to express my thoughts, desires, wants, needs and fears. So, when I do, it is a huge leap of faith on my end, and I am trusting that person with my 'everything'. At this point, it is like I have slowly removed ever brick from my emotional 'wall', and completely opened my world to them. Now, perhaps this isn't the smartest move on my part, but in my world there are not a whole lot of people I trust, so when I do trust someone, I am completely open, honest and complete with them. So, to the "not so smart" part.... if that person comes through and hurts me, like a storm on a house with no walls, it completely shatters my world; blows everything out of whack, and now it will take me days, weeks, or months to rebuild the foundation, the supporting beams, and I will likely reinstall the walls. This is sad all in its self; after all the trust, and time it took to take them down, I now feel the need to rebuild, and reinforce them, so as to prevent the storm from affecting me again.

Now, one would think, being that I am fully aware that I do this... I would try not do in the future, or find ways to fix the problem. But, I don't think its a matter of me not being able to correct the problem (if it is indeed a problem), but I think it is a matter of me not wanting to fix this. I am perfectly content with being an emotionally shut off person. I think reduce my chances of being hurt, and prevent those who aren't worthy of my trust from manipulatively gaining it.

So, for now, I will remain in my emotionless, guarded, semi-hurt, silently regretful state of mind.