Weirdo's... or is it just me?

OK... So I'm in the grocery store... just ran in to pick up a couple things... Diapers being one of them, so I head straight for the diaper aisle, and I grab them, head to the next aisle, and I'm perusing the baby tylenol/benadryl section, and then it happens...

This guy walks in front of me while I'm looking for what I need, I'm not really paying attention, and through my peripheral I see him stop just past me, back up toward me, and proceeds to start a conversation with me. "Hi, I'm Alex" he says... Um... I'm a little dumbfounded, and I probably gave him the blankest stare while I processed what was going on, and then simply replied "hi". He then stands there staring at me, looking me up and down, and then says "Wow... you're beautiful"... at this point I'm staring back at the medicine section, not really paying him any mind, which you would think, might be a hint that I'm not really interested... but NO. (Mind you, I am wearing sweats and a tank with a hoodie, and pretty much feel ridiculous, and if I didn't need diapers I wouldn't have left the house.) Then he basically repeats his last statement, and then asks me if I have a baby... Wait - What? I'm holding a box of diapers, I'm clearly looking at that BABY tylenol, and he just asked me that? OK... so I suppose its possible that I could be buying it for someone else, but probable, I think not?

At this point, I entertained him slightly, chuckled, and said "um, yeah". Also, judging by the short, blunt responses I was giving, you'd think he might take the hint... but he didn't, again! Tried asking me how old my baby was, if he/she was sick... and I finally just came out with the "do you have a man" question... UM... "Yes, yes I do!" I mean, I don't like to be mean, and I don't want to be a Bitch... but Dude - I'm not intersted!

To my point, I just don't get what entices guys to stop girls in the middle of stores (its not the first time), in front of gas stations, convenient stores, etc. and try to "pick them up"? I suppose that it was a compliment, sorta, but really a store... and it wasn't really a good attempt, and honestly, i don't get what the draw was, I was a mess! Maybe he's the kind of guy that likes a slob? LOL... or maybe he just looked past all that and saw the amazingly awesome chic that I am (kidding, of course). But honestly, Do I really look like the type of girl that will go home with you from a 7-11 parking lot, or one better, not even leave the parking lot? Do I seem so shallow as to give you a once over and say "hay baby.. you're cute, lets go!"... I really just don't get it. I guess it could be just me that's the "wierdo", maybe girls really do respond to this kind of thing, maybe I'm just more of a traditionalist. I guess it also really comes down that I don't take compliments well, I don't really like being hit-on, and I don't even think about taking someone in a grocery store seriously, unless its an employee telling me where to find the bread or peanut butter, and even then, I'm skeptical.

I don't know. Maybe I am wierd... but I'm fine with that! It's just me!

How's this for a Random Rant! Enjoy! :)

Raw and Real

Emotions are the essence of humanity, the raw truths that exist within our souls. Emotions allow us to feel the pure fire that exists within us. The denial of our true emotions creates fear within us, and this fear is what ultimately causes pain.

When our emotions are experienced so many things can happen within us, sometimes we experience something as simple as a smile, a tear, a butterfly in our stomach or a flutter in our heartbeat. Sometimes we experience something we simply can’t describe, a total overhaul of our psyche. Experiencing this proves us human, as much as we may want to deny these feelings, often, the feelings won’t let us. As vulnerable as it makes us, as open as it is, it is the ultimate, undeniable truth that exists within our souls.

What causes these feelings, what stems them, how do they start, and why are they so uncontrollable? Sometimes we have a need to control the emotions that we are feeling, whether we want to or not, sometimes it is absolutely necessary. What makes it so hard to control? When all logical and conscious thoughts inside of you are telling you that what you’re feeling is not right, but every sub-conscious part of our being is urging you to give into those feelings as if there was no other worry in the world. What then? What choice do we make? Is there a right choice? If we give into one, we are denying the other. If we give into our feelings and the logical side of us was right; we feel the pain and regret of our decision. If we attempt to think logically and bury the truest of our raw emotions deep within our soul, we may never be capable of rousing these emotions again. At what point do we decide, at what point does it become ok to believe that our feelings are true?

Well, either I’m crazy, or I’m just rambling on with this rant! I guess I can be a little random sometimes!

:)

Becoming Vulnerable...

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking... we were discussing relationships and dating among other things and alot of the things made pretty good sense to me. Im not sure if its applicable to everyone, but I know it is quite applicable to me.

In his words I'm pretty "cold, hard, and locked down", he was referencing my ability to open up to people and let myself have feelings. Well, not really let myself have feelings, more like let myself experience my feelings, and let others experience me having said feelings. Basically, I am the kind of person that keeps people at a distance, I don't exactly know why I do this, probably due to the fear of being hurt. I suppose I think that if I don't let "them" to close, and I don't let my guard down, I won't get hurt. I don't see myself as capable to jump into anything, as I put alot of thought into it, weigh the pros and cons, and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. Really, I think that is a smart way to go into anything. But I digress...

In talking about this, he brought up some good points.
a. If I don't let them close enough to hurt me, they can't get close enough to love me.
b. If they do end up hurting me, atleast I know that I am capable of having the feelings, and if it happened once, it is bound to be able to happen again.
c. If I don't open up, and allow someone in, and things end poorly, I'll always have the regret and the "what-if" thoughts; such as "what if I had let them in, maybe things wouldn't have ended this way".

All of this stemmed from a conversation about feelings... I have never been one to discuss my feelings, atleast for the last 14 years, and particularly since my divorce. To me, talking about my feelings opens doors, tears down walls, and creates vulnerability. I don't like to consider myself vulnerable, but I suppose I'm going to have to let myself be some day; atleast if I ever want to experience true and raw emotion again.

I suppose being vulnerable isn't all that bad, its more of a concern to me to be vulnerable with the right people. I obviously wouldn't be vulnerable with every Joe Blow that I meet, that would just make me look like a nutjob and/or and emotional train wreck. But allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with those whom I want to have as a permanent fixture in my life. Honestly, I don't even open up to my own family... My mom, who is one of the closest people to me, doesn't even know the depths of the emotions (or lack there of) that I feel. I'm usually pretty good at "showing" emotions such as empathy, sympathy, happiness, fear, etc. But not sure if I really feel them. Although lately, I have been questioning my emotionless existence. I have felt several emotions that I feel that I can't begin to even describe. Emotions that feel so good, that I have such a hard time hiding them, emotions that I don't think I've ever experienced before. Not that I don't like them, just that they are pretty new to me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to accept them as true... How to believe that they are real, and how to share them.

Happiness...

I sit here laying out the short and long term goals that I have for myself, as I do occasionally; and as always one of the things on my list is always "find happiness"... or something to that effect... but really, can happiness be found, or gained, or discovered? Isn't it just something that we either are or we aren't? Isn't happiness a choice?
I think so!

Am I happy? This is a question I learned to ask myself many years ago, when I was indeed NOT happy. There are very few things in life we can control, but our own happiness is one of them. Whether we choose to believe it or not, our happiness is 100% within our control. Now, to me, this doesn't mean that we are going to be happy all the time, just that we can control whether or not we are going to allow a situation to make us happy or not.

If you are in a situation in which you are not happy, change it. The short term consequences may vary and may not be exactly what you want, but if your choice is to be happy, then you need to change the situation you are currently in to allow yourself the potential to one day be happy and enjoy life. After all, we are only given one chance to live each day, shouldn't we live it the best way possible?

I think, all in all, I am pretty happy, there are situations from day to day that I deal with that aren't "ideal", but they work themselves out in the end, and inevitably I choose to be happy in the long run. In all that I do, and all decisions that I make, I question, is this going to make me happy? Why deal with even a few moments of unhappiness, life is too short, and there are so many other things that have the potential to make you happy. Now... don't misunderstand... that doesn't mean that I don't take risks, just that i analyze the situations I am placing myself in, and question the long term consequences.

I never understood how people can go through life completely unhappy, miserable even; That is until I started questioning my own happiness. How can I be happy if I'm not making myself happy. No one is going to do it for me, how can they? One has to be happy with oneself before we can be happy with anyone else. I hear it day in and day out, I just can't find someone to make me happy... it's not because there not looking, its because they aren't happy to begin with! Of course, there is likely someone out there who will WANT to make you happy, but it isn't possible unless your willing to be happy, and that is something that you have to do on your own.

I feel that often times people confuse happiness for other things. You don't have to be smiling to be happy, right? I mean, you don't have to be crying to be sad... You don't have to be screaming to be angry, these are all emotional reactions to our feelings. If you want someone else to make you "happy"... it probably isn't going to happen... Now, if you want someone to make you smile, make you laugh, make you giggle, make you excited.... and those things MAKE you happy, then you have better chances. But, you have to already be in a happy state to have those emotions or emotional reactions.

Well, i could be completely off base, or just thinking uninhibitedly, but those are my thoughts, just another one of my Random Rants... enjoy!

Just human nature!

What is it about human nature that makes us want something we can't have? Lets use a gorgeous $5000 Dulce & Gabana bag sitting in the store front window as our "coveted object". Why do we do this... Is it, as they say, the thrill of the hunt... the excitement, or adrenaline rush you get when you do something you probably shouldn't be doing? You have the credit to purchase this bag, but know that really, realistically speaking its not within our grasp. So we walk by the store front window everyday, covetting it, thinking about it, how amazing it would be if it was on your arm, how great it would make you feel! We give this object so much power over us, we seem to lose sight of what it actually is... not yours!

Thinking practically... is there any benefit to this kind of behavior? I mean, in the long run, you will most likely end up with out it? That "handbag" will still be sitting in the store window, and lets say you do purchase it, you will likely have that overwhelming guilt building up everytime you see the credit card bill (that you likely can't pay), which will cause you to either never use the bag for fear of ruining it in which case, what was the point of actually getting it, when you're original intention was to enjoy it, covett it, and flaunt it - knowing that everyone who sees it hanging on your arm will covett it as much as you! Or you'll have to take it back, which will likely cause a slight period of grief, as if we were attending the funeral of a friend of a friend. You know, your sad, but only because you only got to experience a little bit of the satisfaction, and never got the fulfillment of calling it yours.

Not having lots of experience in this field... i don't really know what happens if you obtain your coveted object, but i can imagine that either, one usually just doesn't obtain it, or, you obtain it and it isn't all that it is cracked up to be. Maybe we set ourselves up for failure in this aspect; we give the object so much hype, or power over us, that we really lose sight of what it actually is. and if/or when it may actually be within our grasp we don't even want it as much anymore because the hunt/chase for it is over?

OR maybe...
Perhaps it is all its cracked up to be, and we do obtain it, what next? Are we satisfied... are we going to die happy knowing that we finally have this object of our affection? Will it make us as happy as we had hoped... will we look as marvelous as we hoped with it hanging on our arm, will it be the end all... be all of what we currently are? Who knows... maybe thats whats what we truly like, is the uncertainty and vulnerability of the entire scenario?

Well, thats enough of this random rant... what do you think?