You're smart.... you're funny, you have a nice smile, and you have a great personality!
All great things, I suppose. But, generally when a woman hears these types of compliments it just says to us that "you're just not pretty". Sure, we have ok features, we have a nice smile, or nice eyes, but overall, we're just average.
I feel like maybe I'm ok with being average, and everyone has different tastes, but maybe, just maybe, someone, somewhere will think I'm beautiful, gorgeous, or even stunning. I'd love to be stunning one day, but, I'll settle for gorgeous, or beautiful.
The underlying problem, is that even if we are told that we are beautiful, stunning, pretty, gorgeous or absolutely drop dead gorgeous, we don't believe them. Nope, not one bit. We are so critical of our image, that when someone tells us that we may, in fact, be something more than how we see ourselves, we chalk it up to flattery, or flirting, and we never think twice about it. We don't, or won't, think that someone was genuinely trying to pay us a compliment, or that they did indeed think that we were gorgeous, and we go on criticizing ourselves and everything about ourselves until we just plain give up and settle for someone who thinks were average, but with a "nice personality", knowing all the while that they are gawking at every 19 year old with big tits that passes him by.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we let our own self loathing, and self image, eat away at was has always been a beautiful person, inside and out. If we could look deep within ourselves and find the one thing that makes us special or unique, and allow that part of us to shine, the confidence and the power that would come from that could inspire true happiness.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Fifteen years....
It's been fifteen years, fifteen years since I saw his innocent smile, fifteen years since he made me laugh, fifteen years since he was here to bless us with his angelic presence. I suppose he's still here though, watching us, guarding us, helping us through the trials and tribulations that life throws at us regularly. I know he's still here watching over my children, and all the other innocent children that should simply be able to live their life wide-eyed and innocently.
For, the innocence of a child is precious, they don't know that there are hell born souls walking the earth, seeking to steal their innocence. Seeking to tear apart the world that they see as open as the ocean, just waiting for them to make their mark. No, they don't see that at all. To a child, the world is their friend, the world is a place for them to be happy, run freely, and play innocently.
But sadly, these souls, born of Hell's fire, and the devil's skin walk amongst us, they walk this earth trying to empower themselves, they seek to rip the pure and innocent from this earth. They know no shame, no guilt, no sadness, no loss. They only know themselves, their wants, and desires. They desire the innocence, the purity, and the rarity of a child's happiness. They seek to steal it, their jealousy enrages them, their jealousy frightens them. They only must resort to stealing the innocence of others, if only to feel it just once, as they will never have it themselves.
Christopher epitomized the innocence of a child. He was so young, so eager, so creative, so trusting, so friendly. He was a lover of life, a lover of nature, a lover of everyone. He never wanted a face to frown, stranger or not.
Christopher's innocence was stolen by an evil creature, an evil incarnate of the devil who decided that it was his place to tear apart the lives of so many in his selfish and wreckless act. But not for the first time, no, this was atleast his second time.... for this was the second time he was caught.
In what the Chicago Sun-Times described as a "savage attack", Christopher was stabbed over 40 times, with a fishing knife. Christopher's frail, petite body.... stabbed 40 times? It's been 15 years, and I still can't fathom this. He was mutilated in way I can't even imagine, and in what I can only imagine was a jealous act of rage, his attacker attempted to rip the innocence from Christopher's soul, although this, I am sure of, he failed at.
He may have mutilated, castrated, defiled, stabbed, and destroyed the physical being of Christopher, but he could never destroy Christopher's soul. Christopher's innocent soul still lives among us, and forever will.
You'll always be my baby brother! I love you Chris.
For, the innocence of a child is precious, they don't know that there are hell born souls walking the earth, seeking to steal their innocence. Seeking to tear apart the world that they see as open as the ocean, just waiting for them to make their mark. No, they don't see that at all. To a child, the world is their friend, the world is a place for them to be happy, run freely, and play innocently.
But sadly, these souls, born of Hell's fire, and the devil's skin walk amongst us, they walk this earth trying to empower themselves, they seek to rip the pure and innocent from this earth. They know no shame, no guilt, no sadness, no loss. They only know themselves, their wants, and desires. They desire the innocence, the purity, and the rarity of a child's happiness. They seek to steal it, their jealousy enrages them, their jealousy frightens them. They only must resort to stealing the innocence of others, if only to feel it just once, as they will never have it themselves.
Christopher epitomized the innocence of a child. He was so young, so eager, so creative, so trusting, so friendly. He was a lover of life, a lover of nature, a lover of everyone. He never wanted a face to frown, stranger or not.
Christopher's innocence was stolen by an evil creature, an evil incarnate of the devil who decided that it was his place to tear apart the lives of so many in his selfish and wreckless act. But not for the first time, no, this was atleast his second time.... for this was the second time he was caught.
In what the Chicago Sun-Times described as a "savage attack", Christopher was stabbed over 40 times, with a fishing knife. Christopher's frail, petite body.... stabbed 40 times? It's been 15 years, and I still can't fathom this. He was mutilated in way I can't even imagine, and in what I can only imagine was a jealous act of rage, his attacker attempted to rip the innocence from Christopher's soul, although this, I am sure of, he failed at.
He may have mutilated, castrated, defiled, stabbed, and destroyed the physical being of Christopher, but he could never destroy Christopher's soul. Christopher's innocent soul still lives among us, and forever will.
You'll always be my baby brother! I love you Chris.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wonder and Regret?
I've always been one not to regret things, however, sometimes when I sit back and think about the things I have or haven't done in my life, I wonder.... and can wonder equal regret? If you wonder what things would be like if you took a different path, could that be construed as regretting something that you did or didn't do? I don't want to regret anything in life, however sometimes I feel like maybe I do not allow things to happen in my life in order to not regret, does that make sense? I don't even know.... For example, I generally do not let people to get close to me because I don't want to get hurt, however I don't want to be alone forever, so which one should I change? If I allow people to get close to me, and open myself up emotionally, then I open myself up to be hurt, again, and I really don't want that. However, when I do meet people, and want to allow them into my life, I sometimes feel bad by keeping them at a distance for my own selfish reasons, its not my desire to keep them from being in my life, but I have been hurt one to many times to allow myself to open up again.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a very open person (clearly, I'm blogging about the most random things in my life), but what I don't allow is my emotional being to be open enough to allow myself to get to truly know other people. It's something of a mental block, I suppose. I suppose I think of it in this way... If I don't allow myself to truly get to know them, then they won't be able to make an impact on my life, and consequently they won't be able to hurt me. I'm sure this is an ass backwards way of thinking, but it seems to work for me so far... well, not so much if you have been following my writing for any amount of time.
Well, I guess one day I will just have to live with the fact that I may indeed have regrets in my life, or that I will just not have anyone close to me. But, like most things, this is just another random rant! :)
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a very open person (clearly, I'm blogging about the most random things in my life), but what I don't allow is my emotional being to be open enough to allow myself to get to truly know other people. It's something of a mental block, I suppose. I suppose I think of it in this way... If I don't allow myself to truly get to know them, then they won't be able to make an impact on my life, and consequently they won't be able to hurt me. I'm sure this is an ass backwards way of thinking, but it seems to work for me so far... well, not so much if you have been following my writing for any amount of time.
Well, I guess one day I will just have to live with the fact that I may indeed have regrets in my life, or that I will just not have anyone close to me. But, like most things, this is just another random rant! :)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Great Friend!
Have you ever wondered if you were a good friend? I often think that I have good friends, while others could leave something to be desired, but atleast they try. I wonder about my friends sometime, I wonder if they think I am a good friend. I try to be, but doesn't everyone? I suppose we try the best way we know how, but every now and then we realize that we have a GREAT FRIEND. This great friend may be someone you have know your entire life, or it could be one you have known for only a couple years (or months), but in that short time they have made an impact on your life. That impact may hit you one day, like a ton of bricks, or it could sneak up on you and you won't even realize it happened.
I have one such experience, this friends impact came up on me and by the time I had realized how significant it was, it hit me like a brick to the face! My friend, we'll call her Sandy, has been in my life for a few years, and in those years she has quietly (well, not quietly, but we'll get to that) stood by my side in good and bad times, in happy and sad times, and in the best and worst of times. Sandy laughs with me, cries with me, and can just simply sit with me, with no words needing to be said, no void to fill, and no questions asked.
To give you a little history (unless you've been following my blog - and read into my analogies and subliminal messages) I recently went through a break-up, and it was pretty hard on me. First, it was unexpected, second it was for (what I believe to be) terrible reasons (stupid, stupid cheater!). I took this break-up especially hard because I had finally let myself open up to someone, which is something that is very difficult for me to do, and when I finally let my guard down, and allowed him into my whole being (heart, mind, soul)... BAM!!! A brick to the face, and we were done. Well, during the break-up Sandy was supportive, she listened to me vent, she tried to cheer me up, she reminded me that life goes on, and that I will inevitably be a better person from this experience.
After the initial shock was over, Sandy made a few innuendos to some things she noticed during my relationship. While she didn't come right out and say things (too harshly), she did let me know that she had some concerns. One thing she was concerned about was that when I was with him (and most of my other long term relationships, for that matter) I gave in too much. I never stood my ground, I never let my thoughts be known, I just simply conceded to what ever it was he was saying, or wanted me to do, or that he wanted to do. Now, if you knew me, you would know that this is ENTIRELY not me. I have a sarcastic tone to almost everything, I try to keep everything light and fun, and while being easy going, I am firm about what I believe, and what I do or don't want in my life. Well, apparently, I was not this way with him. He walked all over me, I never spoke up, and I just sat quietly while I was slowly starting to resent my own life (and him) for how I was being, and how I was being treated.
Enter Sandy.... Sandy often reminds me when I am doing something she doesn't like, she calls it like she sees it, and she doesn't (I mean DOESN'T) settle for anything less than she expects. Sandy is loud and boisterous and from an outsider's view, Sandy can leave the impression that she is a bitch, or that she is cold. But, truly, I think it is because Sandy has learned to guard herself and stay one step ahead of the game. Sandy doesn't let a lot of people close to her (similar to me), but the ones who do get the privilege, will find it worth the time, as she is also loyal, and caring, and full of spunk and ambition!
So, to my point. Sandy has taught me to stay a little firmer on my ground, stand up for what I want, think or believe, and most certainly not to settle. I catch myself regularly speaking up, standing a little taller, or more confidently, and not being concerned so much about what others will think, but content in the fact that I am just being me. And for all of that, I know that I have the best friend in the world.
I have one such experience, this friends impact came up on me and by the time I had realized how significant it was, it hit me like a brick to the face! My friend, we'll call her Sandy, has been in my life for a few years, and in those years she has quietly (well, not quietly, but we'll get to that) stood by my side in good and bad times, in happy and sad times, and in the best and worst of times. Sandy laughs with me, cries with me, and can just simply sit with me, with no words needing to be said, no void to fill, and no questions asked.
To give you a little history (unless you've been following my blog - and read into my analogies and subliminal messages) I recently went through a break-up, and it was pretty hard on me. First, it was unexpected, second it was for (what I believe to be) terrible reasons (stupid, stupid cheater!). I took this break-up especially hard because I had finally let myself open up to someone, which is something that is very difficult for me to do, and when I finally let my guard down, and allowed him into my whole being (heart, mind, soul)... BAM!!! A brick to the face, and we were done. Well, during the break-up Sandy was supportive, she listened to me vent, she tried to cheer me up, she reminded me that life goes on, and that I will inevitably be a better person from this experience.
After the initial shock was over, Sandy made a few innuendos to some things she noticed during my relationship. While she didn't come right out and say things (too harshly), she did let me know that she had some concerns. One thing she was concerned about was that when I was with him (and most of my other long term relationships, for that matter) I gave in too much. I never stood my ground, I never let my thoughts be known, I just simply conceded to what ever it was he was saying, or wanted me to do, or that he wanted to do. Now, if you knew me, you would know that this is ENTIRELY not me. I have a sarcastic tone to almost everything, I try to keep everything light and fun, and while being easy going, I am firm about what I believe, and what I do or don't want in my life. Well, apparently, I was not this way with him. He walked all over me, I never spoke up, and I just sat quietly while I was slowly starting to resent my own life (and him) for how I was being, and how I was being treated.
Enter Sandy.... Sandy often reminds me when I am doing something she doesn't like, she calls it like she sees it, and she doesn't (I mean DOESN'T) settle for anything less than she expects. Sandy is loud and boisterous and from an outsider's view, Sandy can leave the impression that she is a bitch, or that she is cold. But, truly, I think it is because Sandy has learned to guard herself and stay one step ahead of the game. Sandy doesn't let a lot of people close to her (similar to me), but the ones who do get the privilege, will find it worth the time, as she is also loyal, and caring, and full of spunk and ambition!
So, to my point. Sandy has taught me to stay a little firmer on my ground, stand up for what I want, think or believe, and most certainly not to settle. I catch myself regularly speaking up, standing a little taller, or more confidently, and not being concerned so much about what others will think, but content in the fact that I am just being me. And for all of that, I know that I have the best friend in the world.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Musical moods...
Well, I'm just chillin at home listening to music, and as I listen to the words of the different songs that are coming on, and its amazing to me how much the music relates to the mood I'm in, and brings out things that I didn't even realize that I felt. And, but of course, that makes me think!?!?
Am I listening to these songs because I am subconsciously feeling the emotions portrayed in the music, or is the music bringing out the emotions inside of me?
For Example... right now I am listening to some slow, bluesy, romantic type music, and it is making me want the words to the song to be true.... "the touch of your skin, just pulls me in... everytime! Baby, i'm so into you... every whisper from my soul to my heart!" - Marc Broussard; The Beauty of Who You Are. I want to be that someone!
Then, Amos Lee's - Arms of a Woman comes on, and I feel like I want to be the woman in which the song is referring to. For those who don't know the song, I strongly suggest you look it up, my favorite line is right at the beginning "I am at ease in the arms of woman, although now, most of my days are spent alone", this part of the song makes me empathize with the singer. I just want to be able to fill the void, and make someone else happy. Well, because that's what I do, I make people happy, or at least I try. I like when others around me are happy, because, this in turn makes me happy. How can one not be happy when surrounded by happiness. They say, misery loves company, isn't the same also true for happiness? I like to think so!
Conversely, when I listen to music a little angrier in nature, it brings out entirely different emotions. Or, as I referenced before, perhaps I am listening to such music because deep in my inner subconscious I am feeling angrier. I don't know. It seems like when I put my iPod on shuffle mode, I can seem to relate to every song that plays. Whether it's Metalica, (hed) P.E, Zac Brown Band, Katy Perry, or Amos Lee it seems like I can find a common point with any of them.
So, the question remains be be answered, does the music we listen to affect our emotions, or are our music choices a reflection of our emotions?
Am I listening to these songs because I am subconsciously feeling the emotions portrayed in the music, or is the music bringing out the emotions inside of me?
For Example... right now I am listening to some slow, bluesy, romantic type music, and it is making me want the words to the song to be true.... "the touch of your skin, just pulls me in... everytime! Baby, i'm so into you... every whisper from my soul to my heart!" - Marc Broussard; The Beauty of Who You Are. I want to be that someone!
Then, Amos Lee's - Arms of a Woman comes on, and I feel like I want to be the woman in which the song is referring to. For those who don't know the song, I strongly suggest you look it up, my favorite line is right at the beginning "I am at ease in the arms of woman, although now, most of my days are spent alone", this part of the song makes me empathize with the singer. I just want to be able to fill the void, and make someone else happy. Well, because that's what I do, I make people happy, or at least I try. I like when others around me are happy, because, this in turn makes me happy. How can one not be happy when surrounded by happiness. They say, misery loves company, isn't the same also true for happiness? I like to think so!
Conversely, when I listen to music a little angrier in nature, it brings out entirely different emotions. Or, as I referenced before, perhaps I am listening to such music because deep in my inner subconscious I am feeling angrier. I don't know. It seems like when I put my iPod on shuffle mode, I can seem to relate to every song that plays. Whether it's Metalica, (hed) P.E, Zac Brown Band, Katy Perry, or Amos Lee it seems like I can find a common point with any of them.
So, the question remains be be answered, does the music we listen to affect our emotions, or are our music choices a reflection of our emotions?
Totally random thoughts....
Did you ever think about what your life would be like as a movie? I do, often in fact. I'm not quite sure I could fit my entire life in one movie... It may need to be a boxed set, either way, I think it would be interesting. Arranging the movie would probably be the hard part. Should it go chronologically, or should it be done in according to similar events?
For Instance, Part one could be a drama, to include my brother's tragic murder, and the steps leading to the acceptance and recovery from these events... but truly, how much would people really want to watch a movie about that? I can imagine those who are gluten's for punishment, might enjoy it, but most of us don't actually think to ourselves "I'm in the mood for a cryer tonight", right? Well, I know I don't, I actually steer away from them, if at all possible. So, perhaps I could make a movie about my adventures in parenting, but that is pretty cliche, and overdone. So, I can't imagine it would be anything that would interest people. So I guess that leaves my often interesting, and sometimes hilarious relationship experiences.
I'd like to think that my history with relationships isn't abnormal, more like atypical. I'm pretty easy going, and that can be both good and bad. "Bad?" you ask, "how could being easy going be bad?". Well, I assure you it can. I am the type of girl who is 'OK' with just about anything. I don't care where we eat, I don't care what movie we go see, I don't care what we do tonight, because generally I am happy no matter what the events, as long as I'm surrounded by good company. Well, that hasn't played out for me very well, in the past. For example, he asks me, "what are our plans for tonight", I simply state, "It doesn't matter to me, what do you want to do", to which I am hung up on. OK, maybe there was a bad connection, so I call back. Nope, he definitely hung up on me, I'm not quite sure why at the time, but he later explains that it annoyed him that I wouldn't make a decision [we won't go into the fact that he didn't tell me that he wanted ME to make the plans]. I know, its stupid to me too, but it happened! So, yes, being easy going can be a bad thing. I suppose it can be a good thing too, because I'm not picky, not at all. I can enjoy myself just about anywhere, doing just about anything. In my mind, its a good thing, so I think I'll stick to it.
I've had several other funny experiences as well. Well, now that I look back on them, they are hilarious, but at the time, not so much. I was once broken up with because while having no reason to think that I would be unfaithful, they were afraid that I might succumb to the temptation, and cheat while they were out of country, so they thought it would be best to just end a good thing. Weird, I know, but it also happened. Well, he eventually came back to the states, and even while broken up, I didn't involve myself with anyone, and then he got mad at me for "letting him" break up with me. I swear to God, I don't understand men! But, they are funny!
All in all, perhaps I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I have so many guy friends that love to vent their relationship issues to me, and many of them take my advice (although, I don't necessarily recommend it), even though my advice is as objective as I can be, it may not always be the best, because I'm no expert. I once laughed at a friend who told me that he was in marriage counseling, because I thought that counseling was pointless. If you can't communicate your issues with each other, what is a "so-called expert" going to do for you? I don't have any experience, clearly, with counseling, but I feel like they aren't going to do a lot for me, if I'm not already willing to do it myself. But, I digress. As far as me being in a relationship, it's not that I don't want one, because [eventually] I do, I think. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship where people just settle on each other, because they don't think they will ever find someone right for them. I suppose I would rather be slow and methodical about it, and find out through trial and error whether someone is right for me; meaning they can handle my little quirks, my atypical personality, my easy-going attitude, my random forgetfulness and my overall silliness. Maybe someday, someone will want me just for all of those things, someday. Or, maybe, I'll just be that girl that has a lot of guy friends, and no real relationship. Only time will tell, I guess.
So, back to my movie. Perhaps, the more I think about it, my life wouldn't make a great movie, while people may laugh, cry, and could probably sympathize, there really isn't much point to the story.... Yet.
Similar to this blog, No real point, just another random rant!
For Instance, Part one could be a drama, to include my brother's tragic murder, and the steps leading to the acceptance and recovery from these events... but truly, how much would people really want to watch a movie about that? I can imagine those who are gluten's for punishment, might enjoy it, but most of us don't actually think to ourselves "I'm in the mood for a cryer tonight", right? Well, I know I don't, I actually steer away from them, if at all possible. So, perhaps I could make a movie about my adventures in parenting, but that is pretty cliche, and overdone. So, I can't imagine it would be anything that would interest people. So I guess that leaves my often interesting, and sometimes hilarious relationship experiences.
I'd like to think that my history with relationships isn't abnormal, more like atypical. I'm pretty easy going, and that can be both good and bad. "Bad?" you ask, "how could being easy going be bad?". Well, I assure you it can. I am the type of girl who is 'OK' with just about anything. I don't care where we eat, I don't care what movie we go see, I don't care what we do tonight, because generally I am happy no matter what the events, as long as I'm surrounded by good company. Well, that hasn't played out for me very well, in the past. For example, he asks me, "what are our plans for tonight", I simply state, "It doesn't matter to me, what do you want to do", to which I am hung up on. OK, maybe there was a bad connection, so I call back. Nope, he definitely hung up on me, I'm not quite sure why at the time, but he later explains that it annoyed him that I wouldn't make a decision [we won't go into the fact that he didn't tell me that he wanted ME to make the plans]. I know, its stupid to me too, but it happened! So, yes, being easy going can be a bad thing. I suppose it can be a good thing too, because I'm not picky, not at all. I can enjoy myself just about anywhere, doing just about anything. In my mind, its a good thing, so I think I'll stick to it.
I've had several other funny experiences as well. Well, now that I look back on them, they are hilarious, but at the time, not so much. I was once broken up with because while having no reason to think that I would be unfaithful, they were afraid that I might succumb to the temptation, and cheat while they were out of country, so they thought it would be best to just end a good thing. Weird, I know, but it also happened. Well, he eventually came back to the states, and even while broken up, I didn't involve myself with anyone, and then he got mad at me for "letting him" break up with me. I swear to God, I don't understand men! But, they are funny!
All in all, perhaps I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I have so many guy friends that love to vent their relationship issues to me, and many of them take my advice (although, I don't necessarily recommend it), even though my advice is as objective as I can be, it may not always be the best, because I'm no expert. I once laughed at a friend who told me that he was in marriage counseling, because I thought that counseling was pointless. If you can't communicate your issues with each other, what is a "so-called expert" going to do for you? I don't have any experience, clearly, with counseling, but I feel like they aren't going to do a lot for me, if I'm not already willing to do it myself. But, I digress. As far as me being in a relationship, it's not that I don't want one, because [eventually] I do, I think. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship where people just settle on each other, because they don't think they will ever find someone right for them. I suppose I would rather be slow and methodical about it, and find out through trial and error whether someone is right for me; meaning they can handle my little quirks, my atypical personality, my easy-going attitude, my random forgetfulness and my overall silliness. Maybe someday, someone will want me just for all of those things, someday. Or, maybe, I'll just be that girl that has a lot of guy friends, and no real relationship. Only time will tell, I guess.
So, back to my movie. Perhaps, the more I think about it, my life wouldn't make a great movie, while people may laugh, cry, and could probably sympathize, there really isn't much point to the story.... Yet.
Similar to this blog, No real point, just another random rant!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Hurt...
Hurt... the worst feeling that I believe anyone can know. Not so much physical pain, but the deep rooted, heart wrenching, stomach cramping emotional pain that comes when something or someone in your life is lost.
Whether its a death in the family, a break up, an argument with a loved one, or anything else that deeply hurts the emotional being that encapsulates our soul. The feeling of hurt takes on the same emotional processes as grief in many people. Those stages (according to Wikipedia) are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As each person deals with the stages in their own way, they will ultimately deal with each stage. Sometimes, and with each different person, the stages are brief and dealt with quickly, while others may go through one or two stages quickly, and dwell in other stages for quite some time before finally reaching the final stage of acceptance. Me... I think I have mastered the stages of grief, as in I've been through them so many times that I have no question in my mind as to what stage I'm in, and how I will deal with it. I have no reason to deny that I am hurting or grieving, and I certainly don't try to rush through it. I have fully accepted the idea that it is a natural process and that I will indeed go through all the stages, in one way or another.
As for each individual time I feel grief, the time frames and extent to which I feel each stage are different. Sometimes, I am in denial for longer than anger, or depression longer than anything. This particular time, I feel like anger is going to be the prevailing stage. I feel angry, not only at the one who hurt me, but at the simple fact that I allowed myself to be hurt. I promised myself some time ago, that I wasn't going to open myself up to another person, and allow them to hurt me again. Of course, logically looking back on that, it was a stupid thing to expect of myself. In order to attempt to gain happiness with another person, one must be open, honest and accepting of that person; one must be happy with oneself, and trust that the other person will do the same for you.
But, alas, I failed in that area. I opened myself up, I gave my heart, my soul, and my mind to this person, I trusted that they were doing the same. I trusted that they were being forthright, and honest with me; I trusted that when they said they were happy, they truly were; that when they said they loved me; they truly did. Of course, the answer is obvious now, as I am the one hurting, and grieving.
So, for now, I remain in the "Anger" stage, I was in denial for a very brief time, and didn't want to accept that it truly was happening, and then I realized that it was, and it angered me. It angered me because I feel like I should have seen the signs, I feel I am a fairly intelligent person, with a reasonable amount of common sense, but I truly failed to see any of this coming; leading me to believe that they are a master of deception, or misdirection. I am angry that one would allow a relationship linger under false pretenses for so long, that they would allow me to believe they were happy when truly they were not. I am angry that I allowed myself to love someone so openly, honestly and whole-heartedly; and gave them everything I had emotionally.
So, for now, I will deal with this hurt and grief, in my crazy way. And hope that it passes smoothly and leaves me a stronger person, who learned from her mistake!
As they say, this too shall pass.
Whether its a death in the family, a break up, an argument with a loved one, or anything else that deeply hurts the emotional being that encapsulates our soul. The feeling of hurt takes on the same emotional processes as grief in many people. Those stages (according to Wikipedia) are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As each person deals with the stages in their own way, they will ultimately deal with each stage. Sometimes, and with each different person, the stages are brief and dealt with quickly, while others may go through one or two stages quickly, and dwell in other stages for quite some time before finally reaching the final stage of acceptance. Me... I think I have mastered the stages of grief, as in I've been through them so many times that I have no question in my mind as to what stage I'm in, and how I will deal with it. I have no reason to deny that I am hurting or grieving, and I certainly don't try to rush through it. I have fully accepted the idea that it is a natural process and that I will indeed go through all the stages, in one way or another.
As for each individual time I feel grief, the time frames and extent to which I feel each stage are different. Sometimes, I am in denial for longer than anger, or depression longer than anything. This particular time, I feel like anger is going to be the prevailing stage. I feel angry, not only at the one who hurt me, but at the simple fact that I allowed myself to be hurt. I promised myself some time ago, that I wasn't going to open myself up to another person, and allow them to hurt me again. Of course, logically looking back on that, it was a stupid thing to expect of myself. In order to attempt to gain happiness with another person, one must be open, honest and accepting of that person; one must be happy with oneself, and trust that the other person will do the same for you.
But, alas, I failed in that area. I opened myself up, I gave my heart, my soul, and my mind to this person, I trusted that they were doing the same. I trusted that they were being forthright, and honest with me; I trusted that when they said they were happy, they truly were; that when they said they loved me; they truly did. Of course, the answer is obvious now, as I am the one hurting, and grieving.
So, for now, I remain in the "Anger" stage, I was in denial for a very brief time, and didn't want to accept that it truly was happening, and then I realized that it was, and it angered me. It angered me because I feel like I should have seen the signs, I feel I am a fairly intelligent person, with a reasonable amount of common sense, but I truly failed to see any of this coming; leading me to believe that they are a master of deception, or misdirection. I am angry that one would allow a relationship linger under false pretenses for so long, that they would allow me to believe they were happy when truly they were not. I am angry that I allowed myself to love someone so openly, honestly and whole-heartedly; and gave them everything I had emotionally.
So, for now, I will deal with this hurt and grief, in my crazy way. And hope that it passes smoothly and leaves me a stronger person, who learned from her mistake!
As they say, this too shall pass.
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