I've always been one not to regret things, however, sometimes when I sit back and think about the things I have or haven't done in my life, I wonder.... and can wonder equal regret? If you wonder what things would be like if you took a different path, could that be construed as regretting something that you did or didn't do? I don't want to regret anything in life, however sometimes I feel like maybe I do not allow things to happen in my life in order to not regret, does that make sense? I don't even know.... For example, I generally do not let people to get close to me because I don't want to get hurt, however I don't want to be alone forever, so which one should I change? If I allow people to get close to me, and open myself up emotionally, then I open myself up to be hurt, again, and I really don't want that. However, when I do meet people, and want to allow them into my life, I sometimes feel bad by keeping them at a distance for my own selfish reasons, its not my desire to keep them from being in my life, but I have been hurt one to many times to allow myself to open up again.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am a very open person (clearly, I'm blogging about the most random things in my life), but what I don't allow is my emotional being to be open enough to allow myself to get to truly know other people. It's something of a mental block, I suppose. I suppose I think of it in this way... If I don't allow myself to truly get to know them, then they won't be able to make an impact on my life, and consequently they won't be able to hurt me. I'm sure this is an ass backwards way of thinking, but it seems to work for me so far... well, not so much if you have been following my writing for any amount of time.
Well, I guess one day I will just have to live with the fact that I may indeed have regrets in my life, or that I will just not have anyone close to me. But, like most things, this is just another random rant! :)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
A Great Friend!
Have you ever wondered if you were a good friend? I often think that I have good friends, while others could leave something to be desired, but atleast they try. I wonder about my friends sometime, I wonder if they think I am a good friend. I try to be, but doesn't everyone? I suppose we try the best way we know how, but every now and then we realize that we have a GREAT FRIEND. This great friend may be someone you have know your entire life, or it could be one you have known for only a couple years (or months), but in that short time they have made an impact on your life. That impact may hit you one day, like a ton of bricks, or it could sneak up on you and you won't even realize it happened.
I have one such experience, this friends impact came up on me and by the time I had realized how significant it was, it hit me like a brick to the face! My friend, we'll call her Sandy, has been in my life for a few years, and in those years she has quietly (well, not quietly, but we'll get to that) stood by my side in good and bad times, in happy and sad times, and in the best and worst of times. Sandy laughs with me, cries with me, and can just simply sit with me, with no words needing to be said, no void to fill, and no questions asked.
To give you a little history (unless you've been following my blog - and read into my analogies and subliminal messages) I recently went through a break-up, and it was pretty hard on me. First, it was unexpected, second it was for (what I believe to be) terrible reasons (stupid, stupid cheater!). I took this break-up especially hard because I had finally let myself open up to someone, which is something that is very difficult for me to do, and when I finally let my guard down, and allowed him into my whole being (heart, mind, soul)... BAM!!! A brick to the face, and we were done. Well, during the break-up Sandy was supportive, she listened to me vent, she tried to cheer me up, she reminded me that life goes on, and that I will inevitably be a better person from this experience.
After the initial shock was over, Sandy made a few innuendos to some things she noticed during my relationship. While she didn't come right out and say things (too harshly), she did let me know that she had some concerns. One thing she was concerned about was that when I was with him (and most of my other long term relationships, for that matter) I gave in too much. I never stood my ground, I never let my thoughts be known, I just simply conceded to what ever it was he was saying, or wanted me to do, or that he wanted to do. Now, if you knew me, you would know that this is ENTIRELY not me. I have a sarcastic tone to almost everything, I try to keep everything light and fun, and while being easy going, I am firm about what I believe, and what I do or don't want in my life. Well, apparently, I was not this way with him. He walked all over me, I never spoke up, and I just sat quietly while I was slowly starting to resent my own life (and him) for how I was being, and how I was being treated.
Enter Sandy.... Sandy often reminds me when I am doing something she doesn't like, she calls it like she sees it, and she doesn't (I mean DOESN'T) settle for anything less than she expects. Sandy is loud and boisterous and from an outsider's view, Sandy can leave the impression that she is a bitch, or that she is cold. But, truly, I think it is because Sandy has learned to guard herself and stay one step ahead of the game. Sandy doesn't let a lot of people close to her (similar to me), but the ones who do get the privilege, will find it worth the time, as she is also loyal, and caring, and full of spunk and ambition!
So, to my point. Sandy has taught me to stay a little firmer on my ground, stand up for what I want, think or believe, and most certainly not to settle. I catch myself regularly speaking up, standing a little taller, or more confidently, and not being concerned so much about what others will think, but content in the fact that I am just being me. And for all of that, I know that I have the best friend in the world.
I have one such experience, this friends impact came up on me and by the time I had realized how significant it was, it hit me like a brick to the face! My friend, we'll call her Sandy, has been in my life for a few years, and in those years she has quietly (well, not quietly, but we'll get to that) stood by my side in good and bad times, in happy and sad times, and in the best and worst of times. Sandy laughs with me, cries with me, and can just simply sit with me, with no words needing to be said, no void to fill, and no questions asked.
To give you a little history (unless you've been following my blog - and read into my analogies and subliminal messages) I recently went through a break-up, and it was pretty hard on me. First, it was unexpected, second it was for (what I believe to be) terrible reasons (stupid, stupid cheater!). I took this break-up especially hard because I had finally let myself open up to someone, which is something that is very difficult for me to do, and when I finally let my guard down, and allowed him into my whole being (heart, mind, soul)... BAM!!! A brick to the face, and we were done. Well, during the break-up Sandy was supportive, she listened to me vent, she tried to cheer me up, she reminded me that life goes on, and that I will inevitably be a better person from this experience.
After the initial shock was over, Sandy made a few innuendos to some things she noticed during my relationship. While she didn't come right out and say things (too harshly), she did let me know that she had some concerns. One thing she was concerned about was that when I was with him (and most of my other long term relationships, for that matter) I gave in too much. I never stood my ground, I never let my thoughts be known, I just simply conceded to what ever it was he was saying, or wanted me to do, or that he wanted to do. Now, if you knew me, you would know that this is ENTIRELY not me. I have a sarcastic tone to almost everything, I try to keep everything light and fun, and while being easy going, I am firm about what I believe, and what I do or don't want in my life. Well, apparently, I was not this way with him. He walked all over me, I never spoke up, and I just sat quietly while I was slowly starting to resent my own life (and him) for how I was being, and how I was being treated.
Enter Sandy.... Sandy often reminds me when I am doing something she doesn't like, she calls it like she sees it, and she doesn't (I mean DOESN'T) settle for anything less than she expects. Sandy is loud and boisterous and from an outsider's view, Sandy can leave the impression that she is a bitch, or that she is cold. But, truly, I think it is because Sandy has learned to guard herself and stay one step ahead of the game. Sandy doesn't let a lot of people close to her (similar to me), but the ones who do get the privilege, will find it worth the time, as she is also loyal, and caring, and full of spunk and ambition!
So, to my point. Sandy has taught me to stay a little firmer on my ground, stand up for what I want, think or believe, and most certainly not to settle. I catch myself regularly speaking up, standing a little taller, or more confidently, and not being concerned so much about what others will think, but content in the fact that I am just being me. And for all of that, I know that I have the best friend in the world.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Musical moods...
Well, I'm just chillin at home listening to music, and as I listen to the words of the different songs that are coming on, and its amazing to me how much the music relates to the mood I'm in, and brings out things that I didn't even realize that I felt. And, but of course, that makes me think!?!?
Am I listening to these songs because I am subconsciously feeling the emotions portrayed in the music, or is the music bringing out the emotions inside of me?
For Example... right now I am listening to some slow, bluesy, romantic type music, and it is making me want the words to the song to be true.... "the touch of your skin, just pulls me in... everytime! Baby, i'm so into you... every whisper from my soul to my heart!" - Marc Broussard; The Beauty of Who You Are. I want to be that someone!
Then, Amos Lee's - Arms of a Woman comes on, and I feel like I want to be the woman in which the song is referring to. For those who don't know the song, I strongly suggest you look it up, my favorite line is right at the beginning "I am at ease in the arms of woman, although now, most of my days are spent alone", this part of the song makes me empathize with the singer. I just want to be able to fill the void, and make someone else happy. Well, because that's what I do, I make people happy, or at least I try. I like when others around me are happy, because, this in turn makes me happy. How can one not be happy when surrounded by happiness. They say, misery loves company, isn't the same also true for happiness? I like to think so!
Conversely, when I listen to music a little angrier in nature, it brings out entirely different emotions. Or, as I referenced before, perhaps I am listening to such music because deep in my inner subconscious I am feeling angrier. I don't know. It seems like when I put my iPod on shuffle mode, I can seem to relate to every song that plays. Whether it's Metalica, (hed) P.E, Zac Brown Band, Katy Perry, or Amos Lee it seems like I can find a common point with any of them.
So, the question remains be be answered, does the music we listen to affect our emotions, or are our music choices a reflection of our emotions?
Am I listening to these songs because I am subconsciously feeling the emotions portrayed in the music, or is the music bringing out the emotions inside of me?
For Example... right now I am listening to some slow, bluesy, romantic type music, and it is making me want the words to the song to be true.... "the touch of your skin, just pulls me in... everytime! Baby, i'm so into you... every whisper from my soul to my heart!" - Marc Broussard; The Beauty of Who You Are. I want to be that someone!
Then, Amos Lee's - Arms of a Woman comes on, and I feel like I want to be the woman in which the song is referring to. For those who don't know the song, I strongly suggest you look it up, my favorite line is right at the beginning "I am at ease in the arms of woman, although now, most of my days are spent alone", this part of the song makes me empathize with the singer. I just want to be able to fill the void, and make someone else happy. Well, because that's what I do, I make people happy, or at least I try. I like when others around me are happy, because, this in turn makes me happy. How can one not be happy when surrounded by happiness. They say, misery loves company, isn't the same also true for happiness? I like to think so!
Conversely, when I listen to music a little angrier in nature, it brings out entirely different emotions. Or, as I referenced before, perhaps I am listening to such music because deep in my inner subconscious I am feeling angrier. I don't know. It seems like when I put my iPod on shuffle mode, I can seem to relate to every song that plays. Whether it's Metalica, (hed) P.E, Zac Brown Band, Katy Perry, or Amos Lee it seems like I can find a common point with any of them.
So, the question remains be be answered, does the music we listen to affect our emotions, or are our music choices a reflection of our emotions?
Totally random thoughts....
Did you ever think about what your life would be like as a movie? I do, often in fact. I'm not quite sure I could fit my entire life in one movie... It may need to be a boxed set, either way, I think it would be interesting. Arranging the movie would probably be the hard part. Should it go chronologically, or should it be done in according to similar events?
For Instance, Part one could be a drama, to include my brother's tragic murder, and the steps leading to the acceptance and recovery from these events... but truly, how much would people really want to watch a movie about that? I can imagine those who are gluten's for punishment, might enjoy it, but most of us don't actually think to ourselves "I'm in the mood for a cryer tonight", right? Well, I know I don't, I actually steer away from them, if at all possible. So, perhaps I could make a movie about my adventures in parenting, but that is pretty cliche, and overdone. So, I can't imagine it would be anything that would interest people. So I guess that leaves my often interesting, and sometimes hilarious relationship experiences.
I'd like to think that my history with relationships isn't abnormal, more like atypical. I'm pretty easy going, and that can be both good and bad. "Bad?" you ask, "how could being easy going be bad?". Well, I assure you it can. I am the type of girl who is 'OK' with just about anything. I don't care where we eat, I don't care what movie we go see, I don't care what we do tonight, because generally I am happy no matter what the events, as long as I'm surrounded by good company. Well, that hasn't played out for me very well, in the past. For example, he asks me, "what are our plans for tonight", I simply state, "It doesn't matter to me, what do you want to do", to which I am hung up on. OK, maybe there was a bad connection, so I call back. Nope, he definitely hung up on me, I'm not quite sure why at the time, but he later explains that it annoyed him that I wouldn't make a decision [we won't go into the fact that he didn't tell me that he wanted ME to make the plans]. I know, its stupid to me too, but it happened! So, yes, being easy going can be a bad thing. I suppose it can be a good thing too, because I'm not picky, not at all. I can enjoy myself just about anywhere, doing just about anything. In my mind, its a good thing, so I think I'll stick to it.
I've had several other funny experiences as well. Well, now that I look back on them, they are hilarious, but at the time, not so much. I was once broken up with because while having no reason to think that I would be unfaithful, they were afraid that I might succumb to the temptation, and cheat while they were out of country, so they thought it would be best to just end a good thing. Weird, I know, but it also happened. Well, he eventually came back to the states, and even while broken up, I didn't involve myself with anyone, and then he got mad at me for "letting him" break up with me. I swear to God, I don't understand men! But, they are funny!
All in all, perhaps I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I have so many guy friends that love to vent their relationship issues to me, and many of them take my advice (although, I don't necessarily recommend it), even though my advice is as objective as I can be, it may not always be the best, because I'm no expert. I once laughed at a friend who told me that he was in marriage counseling, because I thought that counseling was pointless. If you can't communicate your issues with each other, what is a "so-called expert" going to do for you? I don't have any experience, clearly, with counseling, but I feel like they aren't going to do a lot for me, if I'm not already willing to do it myself. But, I digress. As far as me being in a relationship, it's not that I don't want one, because [eventually] I do, I think. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship where people just settle on each other, because they don't think they will ever find someone right for them. I suppose I would rather be slow and methodical about it, and find out through trial and error whether someone is right for me; meaning they can handle my little quirks, my atypical personality, my easy-going attitude, my random forgetfulness and my overall silliness. Maybe someday, someone will want me just for all of those things, someday. Or, maybe, I'll just be that girl that has a lot of guy friends, and no real relationship. Only time will tell, I guess.
So, back to my movie. Perhaps, the more I think about it, my life wouldn't make a great movie, while people may laugh, cry, and could probably sympathize, there really isn't much point to the story.... Yet.
Similar to this blog, No real point, just another random rant!
For Instance, Part one could be a drama, to include my brother's tragic murder, and the steps leading to the acceptance and recovery from these events... but truly, how much would people really want to watch a movie about that? I can imagine those who are gluten's for punishment, might enjoy it, but most of us don't actually think to ourselves "I'm in the mood for a cryer tonight", right? Well, I know I don't, I actually steer away from them, if at all possible. So, perhaps I could make a movie about my adventures in parenting, but that is pretty cliche, and overdone. So, I can't imagine it would be anything that would interest people. So I guess that leaves my often interesting, and sometimes hilarious relationship experiences.
I'd like to think that my history with relationships isn't abnormal, more like atypical. I'm pretty easy going, and that can be both good and bad. "Bad?" you ask, "how could being easy going be bad?". Well, I assure you it can. I am the type of girl who is 'OK' with just about anything. I don't care where we eat, I don't care what movie we go see, I don't care what we do tonight, because generally I am happy no matter what the events, as long as I'm surrounded by good company. Well, that hasn't played out for me very well, in the past. For example, he asks me, "what are our plans for tonight", I simply state, "It doesn't matter to me, what do you want to do", to which I am hung up on. OK, maybe there was a bad connection, so I call back. Nope, he definitely hung up on me, I'm not quite sure why at the time, but he later explains that it annoyed him that I wouldn't make a decision [we won't go into the fact that he didn't tell me that he wanted ME to make the plans]. I know, its stupid to me too, but it happened! So, yes, being easy going can be a bad thing. I suppose it can be a good thing too, because I'm not picky, not at all. I can enjoy myself just about anywhere, doing just about anything. In my mind, its a good thing, so I think I'll stick to it.
I've had several other funny experiences as well. Well, now that I look back on them, they are hilarious, but at the time, not so much. I was once broken up with because while having no reason to think that I would be unfaithful, they were afraid that I might succumb to the temptation, and cheat while they were out of country, so they thought it would be best to just end a good thing. Weird, I know, but it also happened. Well, he eventually came back to the states, and even while broken up, I didn't involve myself with anyone, and then he got mad at me for "letting him" break up with me. I swear to God, I don't understand men! But, they are funny!
All in all, perhaps I'm just not meant to be in a relationship. I have so many guy friends that love to vent their relationship issues to me, and many of them take my advice (although, I don't necessarily recommend it), even though my advice is as objective as I can be, it may not always be the best, because I'm no expert. I once laughed at a friend who told me that he was in marriage counseling, because I thought that counseling was pointless. If you can't communicate your issues with each other, what is a "so-called expert" going to do for you? I don't have any experience, clearly, with counseling, but I feel like they aren't going to do a lot for me, if I'm not already willing to do it myself. But, I digress. As far as me being in a relationship, it's not that I don't want one, because [eventually] I do, I think. I do not, however, want to be in a relationship where people just settle on each other, because they don't think they will ever find someone right for them. I suppose I would rather be slow and methodical about it, and find out through trial and error whether someone is right for me; meaning they can handle my little quirks, my atypical personality, my easy-going attitude, my random forgetfulness and my overall silliness. Maybe someday, someone will want me just for all of those things, someday. Or, maybe, I'll just be that girl that has a lot of guy friends, and no real relationship. Only time will tell, I guess.
So, back to my movie. Perhaps, the more I think about it, my life wouldn't make a great movie, while people may laugh, cry, and could probably sympathize, there really isn't much point to the story.... Yet.
Similar to this blog, No real point, just another random rant!
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