Becoming Vulnerable...

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking... we were discussing relationships and dating among other things and alot of the things made pretty good sense to me. Im not sure if its applicable to everyone, but I know it is quite applicable to me.

In his words I'm pretty "cold, hard, and locked down", he was referencing my ability to open up to people and let myself have feelings. Well, not really let myself have feelings, more like let myself experience my feelings, and let others experience me having said feelings. Basically, I am the kind of person that keeps people at a distance, I don't exactly know why I do this, probably due to the fear of being hurt. I suppose I think that if I don't let "them" to close, and I don't let my guard down, I won't get hurt. I don't see myself as capable to jump into anything, as I put alot of thought into it, weigh the pros and cons, and I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing. Really, I think that is a smart way to go into anything. But I digress...

In talking about this, he brought up some good points.
a. If I don't let them close enough to hurt me, they can't get close enough to love me.
b. If they do end up hurting me, atleast I know that I am capable of having the feelings, and if it happened once, it is bound to be able to happen again.
c. If I don't open up, and allow someone in, and things end poorly, I'll always have the regret and the "what-if" thoughts; such as "what if I had let them in, maybe things wouldn't have ended this way".

All of this stemmed from a conversation about feelings... I have never been one to discuss my feelings, atleast for the last 14 years, and particularly since my divorce. To me, talking about my feelings opens doors, tears down walls, and creates vulnerability. I don't like to consider myself vulnerable, but I suppose I'm going to have to let myself be some day; atleast if I ever want to experience true and raw emotion again.

I suppose being vulnerable isn't all that bad, its more of a concern to me to be vulnerable with the right people. I obviously wouldn't be vulnerable with every Joe Blow that I meet, that would just make me look like a nutjob and/or and emotional train wreck. But allowing myself to be vulnerable and open with those whom I want to have as a permanent fixture in my life. Honestly, I don't even open up to my own family... My mom, who is one of the closest people to me, doesn't even know the depths of the emotions (or lack there of) that I feel. I'm usually pretty good at "showing" emotions such as empathy, sympathy, happiness, fear, etc. But not sure if I really feel them. Although lately, I have been questioning my emotionless existence. I have felt several emotions that I feel that I can't begin to even describe. Emotions that feel so good, that I have such a hard time hiding them, emotions that I don't think I've ever experienced before. Not that I don't like them, just that they are pretty new to me, and I'm still trying to figure out how to accept them as true... How to believe that they are real, and how to share them.