Hurt...

Hurt... the worst feeling that I believe anyone can know. Not so much physical pain, but the deep rooted, heart wrenching, stomach cramping emotional pain that comes when something or someone in your life is lost.

Whether its a death in the family, a break up, an argument with a loved one, or anything else that deeply hurts the emotional being that encapsulates our soul. The feeling of hurt takes on the same emotional processes as grief in many people. Those stages (according to Wikipedia) are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. As each person deals with the stages in their own way, they will ultimately deal with each stage. Sometimes, and with each different person, the stages are brief and dealt with quickly, while others may go through one or two stages quickly, and dwell in other stages for quite some time before finally reaching the final stage of acceptance. Me... I think I have mastered the stages of grief, as in I've been through them so many times that I have no question in my mind as to what stage I'm in, and how I will deal with it. I have no reason to deny that I am hurting or grieving, and I certainly don't try to rush through it. I have fully accepted the idea that it is a natural process and that I will indeed go through all the stages, in one way or another.

As for each individual time I feel grief, the time frames and extent to which I feel each stage are different. Sometimes, I am in denial for longer than anger, or depression longer than anything. This particular time, I feel like anger is going to be the prevailing stage. I feel angry, not only at the one who hurt me, but at the simple fact that I allowed myself to be hurt. I promised myself some time ago, that I wasn't going to open myself up to another person, and allow them to hurt me again. Of course, logically looking back on that, it was a stupid thing to expect of myself. In order to attempt to gain happiness with another person, one must be open, honest and accepting of that person; one must be happy with oneself, and trust that the other person will do the same for you.

But, alas, I failed in that area. I opened myself up, I gave my heart, my soul, and my mind to this person, I trusted that they were doing the same. I trusted that they were being forthright, and honest with me; I trusted that when they said they were happy, they truly were; that when they said they loved me; they truly did. Of course, the answer is obvious now, as I am the one hurting, and grieving.

So, for now, I remain in the "Anger" stage, I was in denial for a very brief time, and didn't want to accept that it truly was happening, and then I realized that it was, and it angered me. It angered me because I feel like I should have seen the signs, I feel I am a fairly intelligent person, with a reasonable amount of common sense, but I truly failed to see any of this coming; leading me to believe that they are a master of deception, or misdirection. I am angry that one would allow a relationship linger under false pretenses for so long, that they would allow me to believe they were happy when truly they were not. I am angry that I allowed myself to love someone so openly, honestly and whole-heartedly; and gave them everything I had emotionally.

So, for now, I will deal with this hurt and grief, in my crazy way. And hope that it passes smoothly and leaves me a stronger person, who learned from her mistake!

As they say, this too shall pass.